I had better plans!

Monday mornings are always a bit of a struggle. Not because it’s the beginning of the week and I have to drag myself into some job I find boring, it’s just my sleep schedule is interrupted. Brandon almost always has an early morning flight and leaves our house around 5:00 a.m. Which means his alarm goes off at 4:45 a.m. and he showers in our adjacent bathroom.

I’m an early bird and would welcome the chance to get up at 5:00 a.m. and get the day rolling if I could do so alone. I do not want to start the day at 5:00 with the kids. That makes for a very, very long day. So, I try really hard to either stay asleep or fall back asleep when Brandon leaves.

This morning I was barely coherent when Brandon left because I was tired from staying up “late” to watch, process, and obsess over Mad Men. Staying asleep wasn’t a problem aside from me sitting up to bark at Brandon, “HEY! I LOVE YOU!!!” It makes me mad when he leaves without saying so. Planes go down, right?

I fell back to sleep and slept until Alex came in at 6:50 a.m. followed by Meredith who is up at the first sound of a doorknob clicking. We were watching the news and checking the weather when I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. Now, I’m not yet at the age where I discuss my bathroom issues in public, but let’s just say I was feeling like a pro-biotic yogurt commercial.

My stomach still felt bloated, so I decided to make a strong pot of coffee. As I was making the coffee, I quickly realized something was very wrong. I was suddenly very nauseated. I was sweating and in tremendous pain. Just. Like. That.

I made a run for the bathroom and Alex called after me that he would handle breakfast. I love that boy! I sat down thinking I was about to get sick and realized I was in gut-wrenching pain if I sat with my stomach at a 90-degree angle.

Gallbladder! Had to be. I called my mom and breathlessly asked her to describe my stepfather’s gallbladder eruption symptoms. Yep. She agreed. Gallbladder. Medical genius runs in the family.

I asked Alex if he knew how to call 911 in the unlikely event that I fainted. He reminded me of my lecture on how to use our home security system and there was, in fact, a specific button for times just like this.

I managed to call my father in law for a ride and my neighbor Dawn to pawn off the kids. I also dialed Brandon’s number and left him a sobering voice mail.

Once again the kids’ reactions were hilariously in-line with their personalities. Alex was doing all he could to help. He was concerned and worried about my health. Meredith was in tears. I knew it was scary for her to see me writhing in pain, and in the fetal position without make-up. I said, “Oh Sweetie! Don’t be scared. I’ll be alright.” She sobbed, “I’m just afraid you won’t be able to feed me!!!”

I had to get off the bathroom floor to make sure the kids were dressed and I couldn’t go to the ER in my terry cloth pants or without a bra. By the time I stood up and took baby steps through the house, the brigade arrived.

The more I stayed upright the better I felt. I told my father in law several times that I felt a little foolish going to the ER because I was rapidly starting to feel better.

After having to publicly announce my weight, I was checked into the ER. My nurse was very sweet, but seemed to agree with me. She thought I had gas or an “FTS,” Fart Turned Sideways. Thanks Maggie, I’m not a hypochondriac and I don’t have time to hang out in the ER…with my father in law publically discussing my bowel movements and explaining why it is that I no longer have a menstrual period.

After some blood-work, the doctor came in, pushed around on my belly and said he had an idea about what had happened. Two ultrasounds later, with a delightful radiologist who enjoys Frank Sinatra and hates Obama, it was determined I had a very large ovarian cyst that ruptured.

And that was the end of the show. They gave me a work excuse for the remainder of the day. I told them I’d show it to my children.