I'm raising a dictator...

It’s rarely a good thing when the parent-teacher conference starts out with the teachers building up your parenting skills with an air that it’s all about to come crashing down. You’ve probably heard the theory that you should pad constructive criticism within two compliments; well I could feel it coming…

I had Meredith’s parent-teacher conference today. I was really looking forward to it, with some trepidation. Alex’s senior preschool conference was all about what a wonderful, empathetic boy he was. The teachers were stunned when I told them about the constant temper tantrums at home. They couldn’t say enough about what a great heart Alex had.

I knew the teachers had a different impression of Meredith because they kept telling me my kids were as different as night and day. I know my kids are entirely different people, but I don’t have the same rosy impression of Alex that they do. I had an inclining saying they were polar opposites wasn’t exactly a positive testament to Meredith’s behavior.

In short, I was worried she was a “mean girl.” Turns out, I’m not far off the mark. Anyone reading this who has a daughter who’s played with Meredith probably isn’t surprised by the report either. (Sigh.)

The teachers described Meredith with the following terms: lovely, smart, bright, academically advanced, a leader, powerful (that’s a direct and scary quote), and charismatic. All right, none of these are bad qualities. I exhaled and then heard the elusive “but,” in the room. The next line was straight out of Spiderman: “With great power, comes great responsibility, and Meredith isn’t using her power responsibly.”

Uh Oh.

The good news is Meredith has “unlimited potential.” The teachers both agreed Meredith could grow up to be an amazing person…if, and tell me how I'm supposed to teach this, she learns to use her ‘control over others’ in a more positive manner.

I heard that Meredith can read and write well beyond her age level. I saw her impressive self portrait with far more detail than anyone else in her class drew. I was handed a picture of a mighty oak with falling leaves that Merdi drew when they asked her to draw a picture that was representative of Fall.

In the same folder was a sheet where they were supposed to practice cutting lines…straight, curvy, and zig-zag. It was clear Meredith possessed the scissors skills required to cut the lines…she just did the first three curves and zig-zags and announced she was done. I was shown the jelly fish Meredith drew when asked to draw something that lives in the sea. She drew it, with significant detail and provided a reason why she liked jelly fish, but failed to draw a sea in which the jelly fish might reside. I was told that Meredith only devotes about 50% of herself to a project because she is so busy keeping an eye on the “home keeping” section of the classroom. Evidently, that is HER turf.

From what I understand Meredith runs the show in the home keeping area and all the kids follow her lead until they can’t take it anymore. Then, she’s moody and pouts. My suspicions were confirmed that Meredith is picky about whom she likes and whom she doesn’t. Merdi readily excludes people she doesn’t approve of.

Steam shot out of my ears at this point of the conference. We’ve talked about the importance of being kind since she was old enough to understand the concept. The cherry on top of the-my-child-is-a-tyrant sundae, was the revelation that Meredith “gets physical” when the children don’t do what she insists they do. Shoot me now.

It occurred to me that when the teachers used the word “charismatic” they meant like a tyrannical leader, not like Paula Deen. Meredith is the Kim Jong Il of Senior Preschool.

The teachers kept assuring me that I shouldn’t leave the conference thinking Meredith wasn’t a "lovely girl." They kept telling me how “attractive” she was and how the kids were drawn to her. Yeah, sort of like bugs are drawn to a bug zapper.

My suspicions confirmed; I left the conference with the scary realization that Meredith didn’t come by any of this on her own. I’m bossy, moody, and as a child often befriended kids I thought I could dominate. I survived, but I left a wake of people who didn’t have a very favorable impression of me. I really, really don’t want Meredith to be a “mean girl.”

The irony in all this is, Meredith is the “easy one” at our house. She nearly always has an ‘I’m up for anything’ mentality. She’s compliant and does what is asked of her 90% of the time. Up until about six months ago, she was 100% joy! I couldn’t wait for her to be in this particular class because selfishly I wanted her teachers to see what a fun and joyful child she was compared to her brooding and serious brother. I wanted them to know that I had it in me to raise a fun, outgoing kid. Be careful what you wish for…

Truth in lights

Last night I had a nose bleed for no apparent reason. I’ve been known to get serious, gushing nosebleeds in times of extreme stress, but this was just a regular-it’s-too-dry-in-here nosebleed.

I was in front of the computer editing pictures and holding a tissue covered finger up my nose when I heard a slight knock on our door. Mind you, I was fully visible to anyone walking up to our front porch because I have yet to select window coverings for our first floor. Great... to a bystander it looked like “a pick, not a scratch.”

It occurred to me pretty quickly that we’d just been Booed again and I called the kids down to open the door. They did and we could hear the high pitched whisper of a neighbor’s golf cart rolling away. The neighbor, who now assumes I pick my nose while editing pictures, left a bag full of goodies.

Within the bag of treats were glow sticks. The kids had them cracked and glowing within five minutes. As I went into my bathroom I noticed a green glow stick behind one of the faucets. It seemed odd that Alex would leave his glow stick just lying around, but I thought it was just another thing left behind for me to pick up. I washed my hands and turned off the light and it looked like Slimer had used the facilities.

Glowing globs of green were everywhere. The hand towel was the best. I could almost make out Alex's fingerprints.

I called Alex in and asked if---just by chance---he might have bitten, broken, or otherwise cracked open his glow stick in my bathroom. “No. Why?!” I flicked off the light.

Big smirk, the one he inherited from his dad, “Well maybe…I might have…All right, yeah I did. Sorry.”

If only every fib left behind this kind of evidence….

Ripping out my hair...

It’s been a busy few days, but when is it not?

Thursday night, we had a much delayed baby shower for our friend Stacey. Her shower was originally scheduled for late July, and right before the shower, Stacey went to live in a labor and delivery suite. Four weeks of hospital bed rest, kept our beautiful little friends Ella and Ashton healthy and well. The girl certainly deserves a night out, and probably needed it now more than ever! Things have a way of working out.

I don’t get out much after dark, so the shower was a big treat. I’m a true hazard on the road. My on-again-off-again astigmatism makes me a menace to other drivers. Headlights have halos and I’m completely distracted by lit up store fronts. I don’t often see those. I also had one limeoncello martini and turned into Dean Martin. I talked waaaaaay too much, even louder than normal, and knocked over my empty glass for the finale. I’m really surprised I’m not invited out more.

Insanity seems to have become common place with me. I decided to host a Halloween party for the kids and all their friends Saturday afternoon. I think I was lured into the idea by cute invitations. I’ve gotten myself into several bad situations through a weakness for stationary. Anyway, for whatever reason I decided to invite several children ranging from age two to seven into our home for two hours of games and sugar. As I was hanging decorations Meredith said, “Well, I’m excited for our first and what will probably be our last Halloween party.” Meredith knows me far better than I know myself.


It was bedlam! We had a scavenger hunt for bones, which the big boys were bored with and the little ones didn’t quite get the concept of going from clue to clue. We decorated cupcakes and 15% of the toppings made it onto cupcakes. Once I had them wound up from running and sugared from cupcakes and sprinkles, I handed them a stick and had them beat open a piñata full of MORE sugar. The only calm in the storm, was Annie dutifully painting faces and taking requests for things like…a Chinese dragon. What else would you expect?!

When the kids left, I sat paralyzed and dazed on the couch and told Brandon to have me declared incompetent if I ever decided to host such a party again. Meredith was so delusionally exhausted that she told me I was the meanest mom ever and it was the worst day of her life because I gave “her” eyeball bouncy ball to someone else. Never mind that I have 27 eyeball bouncy balls rolling around my kitchen floor.

Did I mention I handed out BOUNCY BALLS as a prize?! GREAT idea when your entire first floor is hard surfaces. OH…AND I had gummy frozen eyeballs floating around in the punch bowl. It dawned on me that no kid wanted an eyeball in their punch cup when there were rubber ones bouncing everywhere. I would never make it as a party stylist.

Sunday morning we met up with a friend of mine, Toni, who is also a photographer. She asked me if I would be interested in exchanging family photos. We met at the beautiful Indianapolis Museum of Art. I shot there a week ago and you wouldn’t believe how many leaves have since fallen from the trees. Fall is fading fast. Toni’s family is ridiculously good looking and they have four children who all looked at the camera and smiled on command. We looked like the Addams family comparatively and Alex did his best Lurch impression. In 80% of our shots, Alex looks like we’ve bound his feet. As I started looking for an acceptable Christmas card shot, my standard went from “everyone smiling and looking natural,” to “one where Alex doesn’t look pained.”

Here’s a dandy! I’m standing is some sort of weird, “I hope this makes my hips look less wide pose,” and the session is choking the life out of Meredith. I will say this is one of Alex’s better expressions… We finished our photo shoot just in time for the Colts game. We went to a restaurant near our house that used to have great food, awesome service, and a line to get in. All of those things are now gone, but they did show the game on four big screens and I didn’t have to make sandwiches. A word on the game…I felt badly for the Rams. I guess that’s why I’m not much of a sports fan. I don’t think you’re supposed to have empathy for the loosing team.

I’m ready to wrap up our weekend. I look forward to the calm of Monday and getting my house back in order.

This Little Piggy can't make up her mind...

I am a strange mix of stubborn and indecisive. I didn’t realize this until I had kids. Oh I knew I was stubborn, I just didn’t think I was unable to make a decision quickly.

When I worked in my parents’ appliance store as a teenager, I would go nuts when waiting on some lady who couldn’t decide between a Maytag and a White Westinghouse. I would loose it. Under my breath and from the safety of the office--but still I had absolutely no patience for “women who fiddle around and can’t make a decision.”

Two things have changed. 1.) I know how important it is to pick the right appliances, because your husband is going to make you keep them until the end of time. 2.) I had children.

Like everyone else I worry about making the right decisions for our kids. Some stuff I worry about is just ridiculous and won’t affect the fiber of their being in any way, shape, or form. (For example, I’ve been deciding on a gymnastics class for Meredith for the last three weeks.) Some stuff is more important and I do my best to steer them in the right direction and give them a solid foundation. I find myself doubting decisions left and right.

My latest bout of indecisiveness is surrounding the H1N1 vaccine. I have been wringing my hands and calling everyone I know to ask for their opinions. I have become one of those women who can’t make up their mind.

A week ago, I was vehemently opposed to vaccinating the kids against yet another strand of flu. They’ve already had their seasonal flu vaccines, and I kept hearing from people who had H1N1 and lived to tell their story. “Really no worse than a bad cold” “More of a nuisance than anything.”

Then Dr. Nancy Snyderman, the medical expert from “The Today Show” said something that caught my ear. That’s right; nothing our trusted pediatrician said moved me. I ignored what all of our friends who happen to be physicians or work within the medical field have said. It took someone on TV to raise my alert level. What have I become?! I really hope she’s an actual physician.

Anyway, Dr. Snyderman explained the reason the young are getting nailed by this virus is because it’s completely foreign to their immune systems. Unlike a “regular” flu, this one jumped species. Oh, that didn’t sound good! I started to pay attention. Then, Dr. Snyderman talked about the rapidity of the virus. I put down my coffee. A child could go from having a headache and cold symptoms, to being in the hospital on a ventilator in a short amount of time. Holy crap! Those with asthma are at an even greater risk. Alex has "seaonal-allergy induced asthmatic episodes." Does that count?! It does! Gulp!

Our school district is holding an H1N1 inoculation clinic this weekend. I had no intention of waiting in a cattle line where I would probably catch something else. I said as much to everyone who asked. Guess who’s eating her words? At least today I am. I may see a different news report and change my mind.

Weekend Update, Like SNL only less funny...

After the movie on Friday, I was fixing the kids a gourmet dinner of spaghetti with sauce straight out of the jar, when I heard the garage door. Brandon was in Chicago for the week and told me he wouldn’t be home until “late.” He came home early and hungry. A jolt of inadequacy shot through me.

I explained to him the kids weren’t hungry after all the popcorn and candy, but did agree to eat a little pasta before bed. He wasn’t impressed, but he didn’t starve to death either.

Saturday morning I was out of the house by 9:30 for a full day of shooting. It was chilly, but I would much rather be cold than hot. My argument is always, “You can add layers, but when you’re hot that’s it. Nothing you can do.” I have trouble shooting in a coat. It feels like my arms are bound. So, I shot in a vest, scarf, and a hat I was particularly thrilled over when I found it at Steinmart. When I came home, Brandon took one look at me and said, “Wow! You actually wore that all day?” I’m so glad he came home early! Who needs pasta?! I can live on Brandon’s compliments alone.

I had grown ups for this shoot and that really makes a difference. They sat where I asked them to and looked right at the camera without so much as a single package of fruit snacks waved in front of them. They brought along their dogs and had me use the words, “Treats!” “Breakfast!” and “Dinner!” to get them to look my direction. I felt like Benedict Arnold. I didn’t have so much as a Snausage to offer. You can’t argue with success.

Some of you may recognize the people in the picture. That’s Jeremy and Amanda Williams. Amanda recently completed her residency in psychology and lived in St. Louis for nearly a year while doing so. As a gift to thank Jeremy for being so patient about her absence, Amanda arranged the photo session as a surprise. They were so much fun to shoot and tolerated me dragging them all over town. They even bought me lunch. Not a bad gig!

Sunday we went to Newton to celebrate all the Cucinella children’s birthdays. Maria is turning one today and Giuseppe and Frank had birthdays the previous two weeks. Jill’s a planner, isn’t she?

I did a mini session for our friend Jennifer of her two adorable little ones in Jill’s yard. Jennifer’s normally smiley Reese was in no way impressed with my camera. Reese wanted to show me his serious side. We completely corrupted him by handing him a sucker near the end of our shoot. I would post a picture here, but I think Jenn is planning to use them for her Christmas cards and I don’t want to give an unauthorized preview.

I also shot Jill’s Christmas card photo and did a first year portrait session for Maria.

I would shoot all day every day, so I loved every minute. Maria is so ridiculously easy to shoot; she’s lucky she had birthday guests coming or I would have monopolized her all day long.

Alex had more fun than you can well…shake a stick at. Giuseppe, Frank, and Alex spent the majority of the day in Jill and Gaspare’s wooded acres. I’m not sure what they were doing, but it sounds like it involved dragging loads of sticks through small creeks. Giuseppe wore a red shirt, so we could see them and knew they were safe. I was so grateful that Alex had the opportunity just to romp around in the woods and be a boy. He came back covered in mini cockaburrows. Brandon was already flipping out about Alex hanging out in the woods unsupervised, so Jill and I quickly changed Alex into one of Giuseppe’s sweatshirts and went on with the day.

We got back in just in time for bath and bed. If it were up to me, every day would be timed like that!

Adrenaline with little risk..

If my children knew the adrenaline rush that comes with toilet papering a house, I would be out of Charmin.

Every October the kids get really excited about “Booing” the neighbors. More so, they look forward to being “Booed.” Every time our doorbell rings after dark, they both race to the door, hopeful that no one will be there.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you probably don’t have little kids or live in an area without neighbors. This website provides a full explanation, but in short you leave treats on a neighbor’s doorstep along with a cute little ghost who tells you to hang him in your window and carry the fun to another neighbor.

The fun part is you do it anonymously. You ring the doorbell and run like the wind. There was a time in my life I did the exact same thing without leaving treats. I also toilet papered my grandparents because I enjoyed the suspense with no chance of arrest. I was a weirdo. (Was?!)

The kids were really excited to Boo our neighbors. After much discussion, it was decided that Meredith would hold the treats in the car, Alex would do the actually ringing of the doorbell, and I would drive the getaway car. Alex was hilarious! “Leave it runnin’, in Drive, and my door open.” He rang the bells, dropped the treats, and booked it back to the car, all the while loud-whispering, “Go! Go! Go!”

We didn’t get caught and they had a ball! They also had a hard time settling down. Not the most ideal thing to do with a four and seven year old minutes before they climb into bed.

Today, Alex was out of school for parent-teacher conferences. Meredith had school, which meant Alex and I were on our own…together. We met Annie and Jon for breakfast at Bub’s. Alex was enthusiastic about our breakfast out and the possibility of one of his buddy’s joining us. Jon is a great kid. He’s smart, outgoing, and just a doll. Alex acted like he’s never eaten in the presence of others. His table manners weren’t the issue, but he sat three inches from me and spoke three words to Jon. I hate when my kids are socially inept. On the way out, I noticed Bub’s Breakfast Café now serves beer. Had I known...

When Meredith was finished with school, we met Dawn and her kids at the movies. I really wanted to see “Where the Wild Things Are.” Alex and Meredith had better judgment and picked “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs.” We’re the last family we know to see it, so I would tell you to go see it, but you probably already have. Annie declared it ‘hilarious,’ to which Joe said, “Do you even KNOW what ‘hilarious’ means?!” “Yes, I do! It means, ‘extra funny!’ I agree with Annie. It’s extra funny.

Psychosis

I am writing to ask for your help. If you ever---EVER---hear the phrase, “I think I’ll make those cute scarecrow cupcakes,” come out of my mouth; I want you to stop me. I want you to remind me that I stood in the kitchen for four hours making a big mess and 17 cupcakes.

When Alex was in Jr. Preschool, his class studied scarecrows. I was eager to be involved in the classroom and found the perfect baking project on the cover of a Fall Baking Guide some nut job published. They showed adorable scarecrow cupcakes that didn’t have a lot of icing work.

I don’t have a good history when it comes to working with icing. It never turns out the way I want it to, which is precisely what the picture looks like. Once I get an image in my head, it better look exactly like that or I fall apart. These cupcakes used Shredded Wheat and had Chinese noodle hair. I could do that!

It was a nightmare and they turned out looking like this guy.

Plus, what kid wants to eat Shredded Wheat on a cupcake?!

I suffered from a bout of insanity/amnesia this week and offered to make them for Meredith’s preschool class. They aren’t even studying scarecrows for crying out loud.

I started the project around 1:00 p.m. and dinner will be late to the table because I stood in sugar squishing spice drops flat so I could give the scarecrows hats. Of course the only icing used for decorating is that gel stuff which is less controllable than a cat that can drive.

After putting Meredith down for a nap, I swore, whined, and called Kelly’s answering machine and told her if I ever mentioned these cupcakes again, she’s to have me committed.

I’m completely serious. Hold me to it. I’m hanging up my spice drop hat.