If this doesn't gross you out...

I’m always reminding Brandon he’ll catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I usually pull this out when he is talking to a customer service representative. To his credit, he embraced my theory a few years ago and as a result we’ve enjoyed upgrades, free channels, and faster service.
I may have to rethink my colloquialisms.

I mentioned on Facebook last week that I always know fall is on its way when my kitchen becomes home to hundreds of fruit flies. I have no idea what brings on this phenomenon, but it happens every year.

Sort of like the great migration of monarch butterflies to Mexico, only gross and annoying.

It isn’t the house because it happened at our old house too. I have no idea what brings them or how they get in. Between the bushels of tomatoes my father in law gives us and the fact that my children need to hold the door open for approximately two full minutes every time they open it, I have my theories.

Every year I go through the same routine to rid our house of the pests. I put all the fruit and vegetables in the refrigerator. This is a tough one for me because no one is doing the flavor of a tomato any favor by refrigerating it. The peaches that arrive from California a little on the green side, don’t ripen well at 38 degrees, whether or not I keep them in a paper bag. I habitually wipe down the counters so the flies don’t colonize an errant blob of peanut butter.

Then it hits me! I need to make a trap!

I don’t know how I knew to do this originally, but I probably googled, “help me get rid of fruit flies before I rip out my hair.”

Basically, the trap involves a long cylindrical vessel, i.e., a narrow vase. I don’t have any narrow vases and panic every year. Then I improvise. This year, I used a champaign flute. You fill the bottom third of the trap with apple cider vinegar, and then top it with a white paper funnel.

I learned this year it has to be white. Brandon lent me royal blue plastic funnel and it wasn’t at all effective. I assume fruit flies are on the myopic side and need a little help finding the target. I always panic trying to figure out how to size my homemade cone to fit the vase. After seven tries, I figure it out.

Then, you wait and watch. The kids and I get our entertainment from the fly trap that rests on our kitchen island. We keep score and cheer when they drown in the vinegar. It’s really a sad state of affairs.

Tonight it movie night at our house and Alex chose “Mall Cop.” Judging from the cover image of Kevin James on a segway, I might be better off watching the fruit flies.